Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation.

Episode 07: A Scythe for Sore Eyes

Cast:
KaiserNeko – Pip Bernadott
Megami 33 – Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing
Nowacking – Police Girl/Ma Cher
Danielle McCrae – Zorin Blitz
Takahata101- Alucard
Stephen Krosecz – Hebert
Marc “theEngineer” Swint – Willingham

FEATURING
Basement Nazi: grimmjack
Gruber: BuddyVA
Otto: eagle8burger
Miller: Connor “SenileSnake” McKinley
“Tootsie Pop” Soldier: TomFawkes
Little Girl: Emily Fajardo
Sonic the Hedgehog: ShadyVOX
“Sonic” Aficionado Nazi: DexTheSwede
Jaffe: Lyle McDouchebag
Rocket Nazi: Brian Olvera
Tony: Mother’s Basement
Andy: TheHawk
Police Chief: Mike “1KidsEntertainment” Hecht
Headmaster: CDawgVA
Sigmund: Faulerro
Freud: CDawgVA

EDITED BY: MasakoX and KaiserNeko

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  • God fucking damn is this team amazing at badass lines!

  • Sterling

    A real great job this time guys had me laughing the hole video. The sonic thing was weird, creely, and unneeded I think.

  • Say my name you fucking bitch!

  • Christopher Nobile

    Nice Wilhelm Scream.

  • Lemonillo

    “He’s on a fucking boat and there’s not a goddamn thing we can do about it!”

    Wow, exactly how I felt about Guts being on the boat for the last few years.

  • Lokarus85

    Ok, who or what is T.C.C.B.? I’m guessing it’s a school in Texas, I’m just don’t get the reference they’re making in episode 2 14:46.

  • Holy shit, I didn’t expect a new episode within the next 2 years!

  • Psycho Doodle

    Wow that’s a lot of blood. In fact there’s 10 times the amount of blood than in each of the people shown together. I know its about vampires and such but; that much blood goes from blood and becomes just red water.

    Now I know why alucard jokes a lot. The series just throws out cherry juice all over the place. Red here, red there. In fact I bet the clean up crew use that blood to paint a house! Far cheaper than buying paint anyway 😀

  • ParadoXx

    One of you guys really likes Rob Zombie lmao

  • cerberus108

    This is goddamn amazing. Thank you.

  • David Whittley

    Why is it when the add is finished or i close the add the video stops and all i get is a black box? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/43d6dca416f86b4699de70b2c47f162ca410b4bc55d7cebf295ffcfe27161165.jpg

  • Brian McIntyre

    I love the fact that the theme for “Are You Being Served” is playing in the background during the “Five Point Room Scan” scene.

  • SHAD GIRL

    ah the return of hellsing abridged. 𝕎𝕀𝕋ℍ 𝔸 𝕍𝔼ℕ𝔾𝔼ℕℂ𝔼

  • Hazard Grin

    The two rapists were just hilarious and I hate you for making me type that.

  • zousss not zeus

    NEXT EPISODE IS THE BIRD OF HERMES MOTHERFUCKERS

    • Neema Amiry

      Think thats the episode after that

      • zousss not zeus

        no its ep 8 look it up

  • Andrew Byrnes

    well My day just got alot fucking better. thank you TFS

  • Maxime Boily Gagner

    this was realy good, high quality , still miss Alucard jokes 😀

  • Mr. Random

    Okay, so I keep noticing there’s been a slight change in the videos they’ve been making in the latter half of the year. I can’t find anything on my own, and one of the jokes here is making me question it again.
    Did someone leave? Or something?

    • Zoey Marie Bedenbaugh

      I think it’s just a combination of them honing their craft and where the respective shows are at. The Cell Saga was one of the most interesting bits of DBZ and they’re showing it a lot of love and they’ve said they wanted to improve the writing on the Androids. This is by far the darkest part of Hellsing Ultimate, so there was only so much they could even do in this episode. Plus, both shows are at plot-critical points at the same time, so combined it seems different because they’ve got to do more plot. That said, DBZA did get a cowriter during the archipelago part of the plot, so that’s probably an influence on that.

  • Moe

    dude… this series has been going on for 7 years now… incredible when you think about it.

  • Firesly1

    Surprise surprise the best part of the episode happens AFTER Alucard shows up, but now Seras is now a full on motherfucking vampire, note Alucard is still higher up as he is a fuckmothering vampire, and that shit is awsome.

  • Z010

    *slow clap* Well. Fucking. Done.

  • Adam Wiese

    ok now put dendea’s head on police girls head then put kirilan’s head on zoran

  • Patrick Hunt

    I like you guys, but this had wasted potential. Alucard showing up ruined the moment for me.

    • Firesly1

      Blame Hellsing Ultimate not TFS

      • Patrick Hunt

        How can I blame Hellsing Ultimate when it had a good setup for Seras to get super pissed after Zorin taunted her?

      • Aphotic

        Well I mean it’s supposed to be a comedy, and everyone (or rather most people) prefer Alucard’s jokes over anyone else’s. They even had the characters say that in this episode. Had they went with the full on angry play, it wouldn’t have been funny.

      • Zoey Marie Bedenbaugh

        If there were no or very little Alucard again they’d probably have been murdered by a crazy fan. I mean, they do work in Texas. It’s not like a fan couldn’t walk straight up to the office armed for the zombie apocalypse without anyone calling the cops.

  • I have never watched Hellsing and know nothing about it, but I’m really curious about this Abridged version. However, I do want to know (and if possible, support) the source material before watching this. So if anyone can give me any tips on what exactly to look for, I would be really grateful.

    I know there’s more than one version of the anime? Or maybe there are some OVAs…? It’s kinda confusing, so I’d like some directions if a good soul could provide them 🙂

    • TheCrankyCow

      there is 2 shows, hellsing which is a single season 24ep(i think) that has it’s own villain, Hellsing Ultimate is a 12ep show that follows the manga.
      They are two separate shows and you don’t need one to watch the outer. So I would just go with Ultimate as that is what they are using for this abridged version.

      it can be watched on Funimations website subbed or dubbed, it will make you sign up for an account as it’s 17+ show, but it should not cost anything but watching ads.

      • Thanks, I think I’ll watch Ultimate then! 🙂

      • Darkojin

        Actually, Funimation has it on their YouTube channel. Only 10 episodes, but each episode is one volume of the manga.

      • How is the dub? I usually like watching things in their original language (not only anime, everything), so I’m inclined to watch the original Japanese version.

      • Darkojin

        The English dub is actually pretty damn amazing, especially Crispin Freeman as Alucard: https://youtu.be/xUls2mFBE7A

    • Zoey Marie Bedenbaugh

      Hellsing the original series was made before the manga was even close to finished. Because of that, the plot diverges a lot. However, it’s own original plot is actually quite interesting and enjoyable. Hellsing Ultimate was a 12 OVA series made after the manga was done. It’s faithful to it and has the superior animation. I’d say watch Hellsing Ultimate and then the original. Ultimate is the actual story, and the original anime was basically fanfiction. It’s damn good fanfiction with a lot of its own original ideas however. Both are dubbed by Funimation with the same cast.

      • Thank you so much for the reply. I’ll definitely check it out 🙂

        So it’s a bit like what happened to FullMetal Alchemist? The original diverged from the manga and afterwards they remade it in a more faithful manner with Brotherhood. Except that FMA: Brotherhood was an actual anime series instead of OVAs, but the concept seems similar.

  • postmortimer

    “[…] if anything, it was fucking hilarious! But ever since he left, everything’s so god damn serious! […] Dude! Let’s face it: we fucking suck and no one likes us!”
    There is obviously subtext here, for which’s contents I have two guesses: we, the audience, don’t like it that the plot is focusing on the background characters and not on the protagonist; or that Taka doesn’t like to work with them. Both implies that it is harder to write for these characters. Meh, I still like this episode, cause there’s jokes in it I only noticed after re-listening to the quoted part. Also, Nowacking’s screams gave me the shivers.
    Or I’m wrong and there’s no subtext.

    ps. senilesnake was miller 😀

    • Zoey Marie Bedenbaugh

      The joke is about how the audience reacted to the last episode, which was light on Alucard.

  • Zephyn

    I love how this is so much better than the original and still gives the story as it is with alterations to the characters. One hour episodes reduced to about 15 minutes of hilarity.

  • NappaKnowHow

    They spent the better part of a year on this shit? It literally didn’t get me to laugh even once. They cut so much of the actual show there was not even plot. They used the dumb perspective joke like 6 times hoping it might get a laugh once. This was pathetic

    • Shane Anson

      to be fair guy. this episode of Hellsing Ultimate is the absolute least funny episode they could draw from. its the darkest and goriest episode of the franchise. So to TFS benefit this is just a throw away episode and there is nothing they could have done to save it. it’s not their fault. but by all means try to write this episode funnier, I’d love to see your script.

      • NappaKnowHow

        if it’s a throw away episode why did it take an entire year?

      • Scott “KaiserNeko” Frerichs

        We were busy starting and running a company and working on all our other projects.

    • Scott “KaiserNeko” Frerichs

      Well, you know what they say about comedy.

      It’s all a mat

  • Joseph Ascanio

    Fuck yes…. god I want more

  • threadweaver

    God, Nowacking just fucking KILLING it this episode.

  • 7Link7

    This was so meh, crap almost even….

    • MarikAzemus

      He said, not articulating as to why.

    • Scott “KaiserNeko” Frerichs

      Gomen nasorry

  • Mustachio

    Hey, any way to watch this with captions? I can’t understand about 1/3 of what’s being said, so I know I’m missing some good laffs.

    • Tyler Tobeck

      Watching it on Youtube and turning on the captions actually says it word for word for once

  • Chris McConahie

    Wonderful episode, I have a question though. What is the title of the music that plays when Alucard is giving Seras a pep-talk. The bit right before she becomes a real fucking vampire!

    • threadweaver

      It’s called Zakuro. You can find it on your friendly neighborhood Youtube.

  • Prince of all saiyan

    sorry but where is broly movie abridged

    • Firesly1

      They put out part one on Christmas

  • SmokeOwnsYou

    This was well worth the wait. Kudos to Masako and Kaiser, the editing on this one captured the essence of what hellsing is x10.

  • Invader_Jim

    I don’t wan to to be adopted, I want your MOTHERS CUNT!

    Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

    Happy Fucken New Years TFS. Cheers for everything.

  • Starfighter101

    It’s a matter of perspective really.

  • Chuck Aitchison

    First base? Ha, Pip gets to spend the rest of eternity buried so deep inside Seras he’ll never come out.

    • DiZ

      Exactly what I was thinking! He said that, and I laughed: “Oh Pip, don’t worry. You’re getting all up in that and you’re never getting out!”

      • Xenau

        I hope vampires don’t have menstrual cycles. Wouldn’t want Pip to leak out after getting so far up in there.

      • DiZ

        Double-U Oh Double-U. That never even occurred to me… I need Bleach and an unnaturally long Q-tip. Or, you know, a lobotomy.

  • Karthull

    Damn I forgot how brutal this episode is, and yay next episode is Alucard’s return!

    • Starfighter101

      just wait till he releases Level Zero when he gets back O_O

      • Chuck Aitchison

        …in 2019

      • Archangel

        “Level what?” [sweet screaming]

      • Starfighter101

        Level Zero. it’s when he releases his true form and all of his familiars (people who he’s drained and absorbed)

      • Archangel

        *sigh* Rewatch Ep2 to get the joke, Starfighter.

      • Starfighter101

        Then let’s go straight to level one!

      • Argent

        Goku: Kaio-KEN!
        Vageta: Kai-o-what? GAH!

        Alucard: Release restraints – Level Zero
        Everyone else: Level what!?
        Major: Oh, Schrodingeeeeer.

  • miqvPL

    I love how they release rushed episodes on New Years Eve so people look at it with much less critique, only one comment here says that the first half is meh, and it’s the most abriged part of the episode- the second half is mostly what was in the anime. Definitely the most boring episode of hua abriged

    • DaBlackVegeta

      Boy stop it…

    • Aphotic

      “The second half is mostly what was in the anime”

      How in the hell do you figure that? There was no dreamscape Alucard section in the real anime, and none of the remarks were the same. Even the reason she was angry was different. If you’re saying they used footage from the anime and didn’t create their own.. Well, I mean.. Yeah, they can’t do that. Though the dreamscape was the closest they could have done.

  • Andrew Jensen

    So is Seras Hellsing’s Piccolo? She absorbed a dying comrade for strength.

    • Chuck Aitchison

      and his voice will continue to taunt and mock her, just like Nail. Oh gawds, imagine all the voices in Allucard’s head? Now wonder he’s so fucked up, guy has more issues than a bus full of strippers.

      • Oodellaly

        Well, he probably has a bus full of strippers in there too.

  • CrazzyJimmy

    Great episode guys. I think my favorite part of all this is the meta humor the group has about this series not getting released “on time”. I hope you all keep up the good work!

  • dcforeman

    bloody hell… seriously… blood everywhere and it is hell.

  • KingOfAllAnimals

    Oh
    My
    GOD!!!!
    HAPPY NEW YEAR!

    FINALLY! The wait for this was murder. Now to hurry up and wait for #8!

    Thank you Team Four Star!

  • Mika Misaki

    I think I just wet myself…

  • Flyingfrogslash

    This year may have been relatively bad, but at the very least we are going out on a high note. Thanks for all the hard work and irreverent comedy.

  • Sebastian Follis

    Oh fick mich. hahaha. Say my name you fucking german bitch

  • Gigabite

    Sweet vampire jesus yes its finally here

  • Seth Fitch

    I was not ready for that.

  • Tucker
  • RisingTide Recruiter

    So turned on right now

  • Argent

    So… about this episode. First half was….
    Well, the first half was pretty “meh.” It would be a disservice to you guys by lying. It was pretty bland. I mean, yeah, following up on the bad puns from the last ep was neat but… I was seriously left wanting. I would have been fine with just setting up the “matter of perspective” bit and moving on from there. For a show you only update once a year, the lines felt a bit rushed.

    As for the second half.

    I couldn’t be any FUCKING happier. while the Sonic bit was pretty out of left field, I appreciated where it ended up going so it could continue this episode’s running gag. And Seras’ development was beautiful. Reusing footage from the other episodes to create a dreamscape, while not original, worked well with the whimsical nature of this version of Alucard, and the contradiction made by Alucard giving a serious lecture added to the true gravity of the situation. Seras is in trouble, and there’s only one way out: do the one thing in the world you’ve been avoiding, and become a real. Fucking. Vampire.

    Can’t wait to see next year’s guys! I’m extremely impatiently waiting for the day I can watch Hellsing Ultimate and HUA side by side.

    Also…
    Best. Fucking. Birthday Present. EVER.
    Thanks!

    • Chuck Aitchison

      Update once a year? Lol, ooh, your killing me there. See you in 2019 for ep.08

    • DaBlackVegeta

      “First half was meh”

      Eh, it’s a matter of perspective really.

  • I think I need a cigarette after that…

    • Neema Amiry

      I quit smoking 3 days ago

  • DrFoggyPants

    Does the new website not have a next and previous episode button?

  • Kris Starner

    This was incredible, I love Team Four Star. And now I wait patiently for Broly Part 2.

  • John Lienhart

    Today on Will it Blend: Nazi Vampires. The answer; yes, yes it will.

    Next time on Will it Blend: Mecha-Hitler from Wolfenstein

  • Marc Allison

    Anyone know what the song was that plays at the god save the queen section? Artist etc?

    • Gilbert

      Rob Zombie – Living Dead Girl

      • Marc Allison

        Thank you!

  • Yusei Asakura

    YO they got Shady Fucking VOX

  • 963

    So am I the only one waiting for them to finish the Abridged version before watching the normal version?

    • Argent

      Bruh, nah, you’re making a huge mistake by not watching the normal version first. You can appreciate this show a lot more by doing so.

    • Travis Palmer

      Oh you DEFINITELY need to watch the original. Hellsing Ultimate is easily the best vampire show I’ve ever seen.

      • 963

        I am sure it is, but I don’t want to ruin the Abridged story. I like not knowing what is going to happen next.

      • Chuck Aitchison

        look what they did with Worlds Strongest, there version is nothing like the original, no reason they cannot or will not do the same here. Im half expecting this to end with them finding our Allucard was the one who set this whole thing in motion back in WW2, just so he could say “called it!”. Plunge a world into war, kill tens of thousands of innocent people, shock the world with the knowledge of vampires are real? Ya, he’d do all that just for a cheap one-liner. There only humans after all, not like he is losing anything of value

  • Samuel Schoenberg

    See you all next time, in 2018

    • Selonianth

      Cheers.

  • Rafał Pytlak

    Is it normal to be hard after watching this? It’s normal right?

    Also, fuck Tony.

  • Brian McIntyre

    Anyone else get shivers of ecstasy from the ending? I sure as fuck did.

  • JBowl

    God I forgot how fucking brutal this episode was

  • rachel woodrum

    god. damn.

  • Playgod

    They managed to make this just as awesome as the original one. And just as funny!

  • SSJ Bento Salesboy

    This particular part does not lend itself to comedy, I was afraid it would be too dark for the TFS abridging crew…that said, it did have some pretty damn funny parts.
    Best part being that they did use the one line I think I suggested back in episode 1…
    That being that someone had to say that Seras is a “REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE!” (and they kept the original soundtrack)
    Now, for Alucard to come back, for the Crusade to show up, and the climax of “bitches love cannons.”

  • Kyle Hardwick

    SAY MY FUKIN NAME!

  • Christina Tilman

    FUCK YES! My girl Ceres Victoria in da HOUSE! <3

  • Sam Leonhart

    They ended with the same joke as 56 (SAY MY NAME), but this one was SO MUCH BETTER

  • Jeff Showalter

    Lol living dead girl. Noice

  • android19

    Yeah, this episode in the original didn’t lend itself much joke potential, but this was still great. And next episode is when shit kicks off right proper!

  • Nick Dewey

    i dont even know how to process this episode… was it awesome? no… IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!!!! Seres Victoria, has become the daughter of Alucard. Damn…

  • Vini

    Dang… shit got dark there in the middle.

  • Nick Poer

    Holy shit that was worth it

  • Andrew Jensen

    Wow, they practically released three episodes this year.

    • Andrew Parker

      What are you walking about? They did the late 2015 episode in January & did 2016’s episode today. That’s 2

      • Andrew Jensen

        Originally the Zorin Beatdown and Seras’s transformation took two episodes.

      • Andrew Jensen

        My bad, I thought that Zorin’s beat down and Seras feeding off Pip took two episodes.

  • Andrew Jensen

    Fucking Amazing. I’m only a little saddened by the removal of Pip asking her to drink him. And Schrodinger telling Zorin why she couldn’t screw with Seras’s mind.

  • Enraged Gamer

    im sooooo fucking hard right now

    • Zephyn

      I am half-mast, I NEED this.

  • Lewis Cowen

    That was fucking awesome!

  • shinjojin

    Oh hell to the fuck yes!!!

    GO SERAS!!

  • Adam Wiese

    Fuck yeah

  • TonySki

    it was boring then got better.

  • She finally became a real fucking vampire!

    • Selonianth

      Actually needs Alucard’s help for that.

      • How do you figure?

      • Selonianth

        I mean, she *is* a real fucking vampire now, I was mis-remembering the criteria for that, but I think drinking his blood is still another step… I think.

      • Argent

        Drinking his blood would theoretically make her into a full-fledged master-class Vamp, labelled in the Hellsing universe as “Nosferatu”. Right now she is a bit above average of what is considered to be the base level of a true vampire, “Dracula” or in the case of a female “Draculina”. The reason for her being above average is in part due to the “Pedigree” of her being sired by Alucard and in other part due to her own desire to become a Vampire in the first place.

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      • jnmd5

        If I remember right, and it’s been a while since I’ve watched this show so forgive me if I’m mistaken, she’s basically like his servant vampire now. Basically, Alucard is a top level and as his servant she’s right below him, but the servant vampires are always weaker than the one that turns them, so weak master vampire=even weaker servants, that’s why she’s so strong compared to everyone else. Drinking his blood would make her no longer his servant, and therefore on his level.

      • Argent

        WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS.
        READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!

        To be fair, even without the blood she is still leagues above most of the other “Vampires” in this show. As has been stated many times, all of the Nazi Vamps are cheap imitations that were fabricated through Herr Doktor’s research, but that should be explained more in later episodes. Even the super powered members are artificial: Zorin, Tublacain, Rip Van Winkle, Jan, heck even Luke flat out SAYS he was deliberately designed to be a match for Alucard (supposedly). And I’m not pulling this from HUA cannon, this is actually taken from the HU OVA. Hell the only REAL member of the entire fucking army is the The Captain, but I’ll leave the meaning of that for the uninitiated to discover on their own.

        Tangent aside, the tl;dr is not a single Nazi Vamp is a proper vamp, meaning even in an incomplete state, Seras outclasses them. The Pedigree she gained from being sired by Alucard and her own willpower make her an above average vamp as well, but she really hits the wall in her fight with Zorin where she’s forced to face her own weakness due to her lack of resolve in actually completing her transformation by way of avoiding going on serious blood binge. When she finally does complete the metamorphosis, though, she practically skips a tier, going well beyond most other proper vamps, called “Draculas”/”Draculinas”, and turns straight into a “True Vampire” which is actually the same tier as Alucard (if I’m remembering my terminology correctly). So to say that she’s more powerful than any other vampire, depending on the context, can be either an overstatement or an obvious fact.

        full tl;dr – Comparing Seras to any of the members of the Letztes Battalion,either pre or post ingestion of her Pip martini, is like comparing a Louie Vuitton with Faded Glory.

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      • Lemonillo

        I think what helped her move past a tier was Pip willingly offered his blood to Seras.

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  • Cylestea

    i love it! cant wait for part 8

  • KingsNJenssons

    apart from the few parts of bad writing that was a great ep

    • Scott “KaiserNeko” Frerichs

      “parts of bad writing”

      Eh, it’s a matter of perspective really.

      • NewK00paUSA

        *airhorns*

      • SSJ Bento Salesboy

        I thought it was as well-written as you can get for a comedic abridging of THE DARKEST thing TFS has done yet.
        That said, relay my congratulations to the rest of the team on a job well done.
        My only complaint is that there was a perfect opportunity for Pip to ask Seras to “suck him”, but maybe that was too cliche…
        As you said, matter of perspective.

      • KingsNJenssons

        i love you kaiser

  • Shane Anson

    if only they uploaded to youtube aswell since the site is already broken

  • legionbunny

    why isn’t the video showing up?

    • SSJ Bento Salesboy

      I know. I was hoping for a “suck me” joke.

      • Archangel

        I was thinking more along the lines of “I can still get inside you.” 😛

    • Patrick Hunt

      That and I was hoping that they would do their own version of Zorin taunting Seras after killing Pip and get super pissed for it.

  • OrangeBoxNerd25

    no video link?

  • NimO

    where’s the video link?

    • TheDonStrife

      still uploading probs

    • Inka Wolf

      It’s uploaded only YouTube if you want to watch it there

  • Inka Wolf

    Shit bois it’s going down

  • Grim

    Where is the video D:

  • Dominic Uccelli

    YA!!! FUCKMOTHERING VAMPIRES!!!

  • TheDonStrife

    GOD BLESS YOU TAKAHATA AND KAISER AND EVREYONE FOR RELEASING IT!

  • Andrew Parker

    ‘Bout time. Thanks TFS!